New
It's funny.
With all this "remembering" that I've been doing with the assault and all, there is so much about me, about my life, about the past six years and about next week that are just, well, really different now. I thought I had things pretty figured out about myself, especially for the past year, maybe two, since I had been seriously in the "figuring-out" part of my life. I mean, after all, I had figured out that I wanted to go to law school, figured out that my ex-boyfriend was an ass-hat, figured out I should live alone, things like that. I even thought I had figured out why I had been depressed, what had happened in my life up to that point and how I was going to change things.
You know, realizing that you've been hiding emotions from yourself for six years, not just little emotions but screaming, wailing, crying emotions that tear you apart every time you find them again and again and again, that kinda changes things.
They're thinking of putting me back on Zoloft. I thought I knew what Zoloft did to me. Now that I know that I was on Zoloft amidst an abusive relationship after being assaulted and was repressing emotions to keep from having a total breakdown, I guess, I don't really know what things were caused by Zoloft and what things were caused by, well, the situation.
I thought I had my failed relationship between the abusive one and now all figured out, too. Well, when I'm repressing something like an assault, it makes me wonder how much of that was coming through.
Could my headaches be tied to that? Could my terrible depressions be tied to that? My sometimes self-destructive behavior? My lack of commitment to one future path? My hatred of German?
I feel like I have to go back and look at everything with new eyes, because I have become new.
I feel like I have been hardened by hell's fire; I burned this summer. The person who has emerged isn't' quite the same as the one who ignited in March. I want to take different classes than the ones for which I was registered. I have different career interests. I am passionate in different areas. I feel less comfortable around my peers and more comfortable being alone, where I am safe. I am not afraid to start an argument with a perfect stranger, but I mostly want to disappear into the wallpaper.
So, is this me? Am I New? Or is this still something broken and injured, something unfinished, something that will heal and solidify into Myself once again?
I have felt the emotions I couldn't feel then. Have they changed me or just broken me?
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I know, I know...
...I'm hiding again. I'm doing it on purpose. It's alright though. I just have a lot to accomplish in the couple weeks before school starts. I still have one exam left: Criminal Procedure. I also have discovered that I don't remember the last month of class. No, I don't mean that I don't remember what we learned in class because I was daydreaming, or that it just went over my head. I mean that I blocked it, like I blocked my locker combo. It's just not there at all. When I read my notes, there is no sympathetic resonating in my brain, no recognition what so ever. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the state of dissociation and panic I was in for that month, probably it has something to do with blocking that whole month from my mind. It's funny, in a way, to think that I'm repressing the memory of my life as I was remembering my repressed memory.
I also have a very nice young man in Madison who is going to adopt a hedgehog. Super cool! I'm going to make a run to Sheboygan this weekend to pick him up, I think. I might come home with one more for myself if the situation warrants. Not sure on that and not making any promises! It certainly is a labor of love :)
I also have to do things like figure out my schedule for fall classes, contact the person/organization with whom I'm doing my externship, figure out my role with the PILF board, figure out what to do with SALDF, and the like. Oh, and clean my apartment. Not enough time in the day anymore.
My finally tidbit is that I hate the SERF because their hours have switched from open-whenever-kristen-wants-to-go to terribly-inconvenient-because-kristen-finally-got-off-her-ass-and-made-a-workout-plan. . I'm not ok with this. 11:30 am to 6:30pm on weekdays, and CLOSED on the weekends, and that is NOT enough time to read the new Harry Potter book!! Yes, that's my incentive. I only read while moving my legs on a bike at the SERF. It is the only reason I go. Damn me and my too-good incentive!
Ok, time to study.
~Kristen
...I'm hiding again. I'm doing it on purpose. It's alright though. I just have a lot to accomplish in the couple weeks before school starts. I still have one exam left: Criminal Procedure. I also have discovered that I don't remember the last month of class. No, I don't mean that I don't remember what we learned in class because I was daydreaming, or that it just went over my head. I mean that I blocked it, like I blocked my locker combo. It's just not there at all. When I read my notes, there is no sympathetic resonating in my brain, no recognition what so ever. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the state of dissociation and panic I was in for that month, probably it has something to do with blocking that whole month from my mind. It's funny, in a way, to think that I'm repressing the memory of my life as I was remembering my repressed memory.
I also have a very nice young man in Madison who is going to adopt a hedgehog. Super cool! I'm going to make a run to Sheboygan this weekend to pick him up, I think. I might come home with one more for myself if the situation warrants. Not sure on that and not making any promises! It certainly is a labor of love :)
I also have to do things like figure out my schedule for fall classes, contact the person/organization with whom I'm doing my externship, figure out my role with the PILF board, figure out what to do with SALDF, and the like. Oh, and clean my apartment. Not enough time in the day anymore.
My finally tidbit is that I hate the SERF because their hours have switched from open-whenever-kristen-wants-to-go to terribly-inconvenient-because-kristen-finally-got-off-her-ass-and-made-a-workout-plan. . I'm not ok with this. 11:30 am to 6:30pm on weekdays, and CLOSED on the weekends, and that is NOT enough time to read the new Harry Potter book!! Yes, that's my incentive. I only read while moving my legs on a bike at the SERF. It is the only reason I go. Damn me and my too-good incentive!
Ok, time to study.
~Kristen
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
A Little Bit:
A bit of an update from me.
First, Lola is an amazing animal companion. She has been growing more and more comfortable around me these past few weeks, primarily due to the large amount of time I spend snuggling with her. She runs free in the living room and kitchen at night, returning to her cage for her litter box and food. I generally find her in her favorite spot in the morning, along with some hair clips or my cell phone or a bracelet. She comes when I call her name, though I think that's because she thinks "Lola" means "Mealworms."
Studying has been going well for Property, though I haven't gotten anything done today because I had a migraine most of the time. I blame that on the falling barometric pressure, which is one of my biggest migraine triggers. (it actually can be a trigger, I looked it up). I should be able to take the exam sometime this week.
Finally, a quote from my favorite Senator:
Senator Russ Feingold, a member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, who said, “Mr. Bolton is fundamentally unsuited for the job, and his record reveals a truly disturbing intolerance of dissent. Mr. Bolton did not win the support of a majority of members of the Foreign Relations Committee, and the Senate refused to make a final decision on this nomination pending review of documents that the Administration declined to provide in blatant disregard for the Senate’s constitutional rights and responsibilities. But despite all of the warning signs and all of the red flags, the President has taken this extraordinary step to send a polarising figure with tattered credibility to represent us at the United Nations. At a time when we need to be doing our very best to mend frayed relationships, encourage real burden-sharing, and nurture a rock-solid international coalition to fight terrorism and the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, the American people deserve better than John Bolton.”
A bit of an update from me.
First, Lola is an amazing animal companion. She has been growing more and more comfortable around me these past few weeks, primarily due to the large amount of time I spend snuggling with her. She runs free in the living room and kitchen at night, returning to her cage for her litter box and food. I generally find her in her favorite spot in the morning, along with some hair clips or my cell phone or a bracelet. She comes when I call her name, though I think that's because she thinks "Lola" means "Mealworms."
Studying has been going well for Property, though I haven't gotten anything done today because I had a migraine most of the time. I blame that on the falling barometric pressure, which is one of my biggest migraine triggers. (it actually can be a trigger, I looked it up). I should be able to take the exam sometime this week.
Finally, a quote from my favorite Senator:
Senator Russ Feingold, a member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, who said, “Mr. Bolton is fundamentally unsuited for the job, and his record reveals a truly disturbing intolerance of dissent. Mr. Bolton did not win the support of a majority of members of the Foreign Relations Committee, and the Senate refused to make a final decision on this nomination pending review of documents that the Administration declined to provide in blatant disregard for the Senate’s constitutional rights and responsibilities. But despite all of the warning signs and all of the red flags, the President has taken this extraordinary step to send a polarising figure with tattered credibility to represent us at the United Nations. At a time when we need to be doing our very best to mend frayed relationships, encourage real burden-sharing, and nurture a rock-solid international coalition to fight terrorism and the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction, the American people deserve better than John Bolton.”
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