Thursday, May 26, 2005

Today he turned into a cookie, and I cut him into little pieces that floated off into space. Then his face appeared on bubbles that rose into the sky and popped in the sunshine. I'm not afraid of him any more. I took my power back.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Beyond Therapy:

I realized today that everything in my life has become some aspect of therapy. Everything turns into a discussion about something that ends up in me talking about everything that makes me feel hurt and disillusioned. Every action turns into a reaction of either rage or sadness, both leading to tears. Every blog is about the same thing over and over and over again.

So, today, I'll write about Rigatoni Casserole.

To make rigatoni casserole, you start with a pound of rigatoni noodles. Generally, one can find these noodles at a grocery store, although you may find them other places such as under your car or hiding in the bushes, you never can tell. Most come in cardboard boxes. The trick to preparing the rigatoni noodles properly is to boil them in water AFTER removing them from the cardboard box. While boiling them while they remain inside the cardboard box can help speed the recycling process of the box, it slows the casserole process, as the noodles must subsequently be carefully cleansed of all cardboard pulp, which may take several hours. Once the noodles are cooked to al dente firmness (fling them against the wall: if they splatter they are too done, if they scream, the wall was a person), drain the water and set the noodles aside.

While the noodles were boiling, you should have been browning italian sausage. Not the sausage links, just the ground sausage, about 1 pound. You should have known that.

Now, add a layer of noodles, a layer of sausage and mozzarella cheese, repeat until you fill a small casserole dish. Top with cheese, because you can never have enough cheese if you live in Wisconsin. We have a mandatory BCC (blood cheese content) that we have to maintain in order to remain citizens. The spot checks are the things of nightmares.

Put the whole thing in the oven, which you should have preheated to 350 degrees, you idiot, for about 45 minutes. Then eat it, but only after you take it out of the oven, because eating something while it is in the oven exposes you to dangerous temperatures and possibly dangerous natural gas fumes as well.

For a quick version of this same recipe, pour Captain Crunch cereal in a bowl, add Skim Milk and eat with a spoon.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Birth Control and Condoms:

Pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions for women's birth control. Physicians are refusing to write prescriptions for birth control. They have moral objections to the use of birth control, because obviously women shouldn't be having sex if their goal isn't to have children. Or, perhaps they have religious objections, and feel that birth control could be used to allow unmarried women to have sex without getting caught. It's being documented across the country. It's really happening. There are organizations of pharmacists and physicians who are deciding to interject their morality or religion into healthcare

No one has said anything about stopping the sale or use of condoms. No one says they are morally against condoms, even though they could allow a man to have sex outside of marriage. No one says selling a man condoms is religiously offensive to him or her. Selling men condoms is not even an issue. Pharmacists sell men condoms all the time. Men are allowed to use condoms, even encouraged to do so. What men do with condoms is no one's business but theirs.

But what women do with birth control is everyone's business.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


Today was very uninteresting. I got the oil changed in my car, and now it drives better. I really notice a difference. I think it's because I really waited way too long to change the oil.

I also discovered that my laptop's harddrive has only 5G of storage left after I added all my long lost MP3's to iTunes from the time of T1 and Napster in the dorms my sophomore year.

A lesson I would like to pass on to you is that you can't run from your mental health issues. You, in particular, cannot run from them. You know you have them, the little quirks and ticks that are part of your daily life and general paradigm. Some people are lucky enough to end up with people in their lives that help them survive and overcome their issues. Some people, a lot of people, don't even share their issues, and figure that's a great way of avoiding them for the rest of their lives. YOU CANNOT RUN. They will manifest in mundane situations, come through during weak moments or crisis, and you will face them then if not now.

Deal with them now and get it over with. It's tough but it's best in the long run.

Monday, May 16, 2005


I went "up north" this weekend to Mike's family's cabin and we caught fish. Yesterday I caught two eating-size northerns that we ate and Mike caught one that we ate, among many, many others. I took a picture of a couple of fish Mike took today, too. I had a woooonderful time.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

My Face:

I don't like my face in the other picture, so here:

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

On A Brighter Note:

Here is a recent picture taken on Saturday May 7th after a semi-formal UWMBDA dance. I hope you enjoy it!

Me and My Handsome Boyfriend Mike
Little Things:

Have you ever noticed how important the little things are? Things like bringing in the mail, taking out the trash, showering, conversing with friends, sleeping, brushing your teeth, answering your phone, all the thoughtless things that you need to do in order to do the big things like have a job, go to school, function in society and stay sane. Day in and day out, again and again, the little things.

I guess it's not surprising that we don't give them the credit they deserve. After all, everybody does them. It's just, well, expected. That's just what you do.

Anyone who has gone through a crisis knows that the little things are sometimes the things we cling to, the activities we work hardest at to keep some order in our lives as our world falls apart. In times like that, a shower goes from being just a part of the little things we do each morning to the accomplishment of the day. You make a goal of answering your phone every time it rings and allow yourself to feel good when you manage to do just that and nothing more.

Today I went through my mail from the last month. I hadn't realized it had been that long. I also paid three bills, two of which will probably be a tad late, but I'm pretty proud of myself regardless. I would still like to clean my room this week. One small step at a time, one small thing after another.

Sometimes even the small things can hurt.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Anger Week:

I think last week was my angry week. I was angry about everything, and pretty angry at a lot of the people around me, even some of the people that I usually really love. Everything that has been happening to me makes world issues seem more personal somehow. They still seem that way now, but last week they just made me very, very angry.

I'm glad I can be angry, though. I am glad I can feel anger at what happened to me, what happened to my friends, and how the society we live in set us up for that. That should make me angry. I'm glad I don't feel like apologizing for being angry about the things I've written about here. There are just some things worth being angry about.

I am glad that I'm not angry all the time, though. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I'm just tired. And really, if you think about it, women have been f*cked since Judeo-Christianity began, since the time of the Romans or the Greeks. When we had to cover our breasts because the men couldn't help themselves if they saw our mammary glands, that was a bad moment. When the myth began that women caused the ejection of humanity from paradise, that was a bad moment, too. When men's sexuality was prized and flaunted in architecture and government and women's sexuality was demonized and suppressed and repressed, also a bad thing. These things are way deeper than just the good 'ole Religious Right.

In some ways, I feel like what happened to me has been building up for millennia.

But hey, I don't have migraines! Did I mention I don't have migraines? You know, I bet one of the biggest reasons that migraines are so poorly treated is because women have them. I bet no one took them seriously, because they were just headaches and women should just get over them. But man, you have a limp dick? LET'S FIND A FIX FOR THAT!!!

I mean, I'm not making this up. This is how the world is. Haven't you noticed it yet?

Someone else needs to notice it already. Women have been shat upon for centuries and no one has apologized. I was sexually assaulted and verbally abused. My friends have been sexually assaulted. No one is taking that as seriously as erectile disfunction or the closeness of a man's shave, or the newest way to please your lover a la "Cosmo." Don't you see yet? How many more of us is it going to take?

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Drug Free:

There are so many things in this world that frustrate me and make me upset. I want you to know that I don't go out and find these issues. I don't read the newspaper every day looking for something else to make me angry. These are issues that come to me, that are brought to me by some serendipity. Really, they are.

I believe depression is two things: chemicals/genetics that some people are born with or have a tendency for; and the result of keeping one's self in an unhappy, un-fulfilling, unhealth, etc. situation. It can be both, it can be either. Doctors used to think that only the second one could lead to the first, until they learned that sometimes very young children were depressed, and they couldn't explain that.

I had childhood depression and wasn't properly treated, as well as childhood migraines/chronic headaches. These things are from my family, on both sides. There's really not much I could have done to avoid it. When a 14-year-old has headaches every day for a year, that requires medication. That's just the way it is.

You see, it is not always a matter of thinking one's self well. There are many people who "don't believe" in medication. but there are people, like me, who do not have that luxury, because we cannot live without the medication that others can choose to live without. I find it frustrating when people equate being able to live without taking medication to being strong and moral somehow. Morality has not caused my migraines. Morality has not caused my asthma. Morality has not caused my allergies. Yes, there is a segment of the population that searches for the quick fix. There is also a segment of the population that has been on medication since before the commercials and popular drugs, that will always be on the medication.

And it frustrates me. It makes me feel even more aware that my health issues make me different and set me outside the norm, makes me question if, well, maybe if I tried harder I could get rid of my asthma, or my allergies. And so I blog.

My blog is my journal, so I can let off steam and still feel like maybe, by some freak chance, someone will read it and learn something that will save one person from having to go through one stupid situation that would have caused them one minute of unnecessary pain. Maybe one person won't say "I don't believe in taking pills" in front of the woman who takes 12 at night and 5 in the morning just to live without chronic, inherited pain. Maybe one person won't use the word "slut" to describe what someone was wearing (PLEASE don't do that, it's so destructive on so many levels). Maybe one person will say, wow, I'm worth more than this, I deserve to be treated better, and will walk away before another heart-breaking word is spoken. Just maybe. Or maybe not. But at least it's out there.

Last night I figured out that I have a serious gender-steriotype/feminist theory discussion/battle/debate about every three days. Mostly with men, or with females about previous interactions with men.

It's really tiring sometimes. It's hard to keep explaining why the word "slut" is so loaded and hurtful. It's hard to explain why feminists aren't man-haters. It's hart to explain why we have to think about the images we are confronted with every day on the tv and the language we use when, yes, there are bigger issues out there. It's really hard to explain why this isn't just a pet issue of mine, not just another reason to get upset at people.

Briefly, it is personal. Emotional abuse from a man in a relationship uses the steriotypes and gender roles and images in society to control and manipulate his victim. Sexual assault happens because women are too afraid to get help because they don't want to be called sluts. They are violated because they are afraid of what people will say if they ask for help.

And this isn't just women in general. This is me. These are my friends. I can name names. We learn we're supposed to try to be good enough, pretty enough, learn the new ways to please our man from Cosmo each month; not to stand up for ourselves, not protect ourselves, not know when someone has crossed the line, not know when we're being coerced or brainwashed.

So, no, they're not just words. No, it's not just man-hating.

It's just trying to keep one more person from hurting. Don't you understand?

Monday, May 02, 2005

Brief Update:

I finished my brief. Legal Writing and Research is done.

Two out of three exams will officially be rescheduled as of tomorrow. I need flat-out more time to prepare for property, and the subject matter covered for criminal procedure means that I need to wait until the flashbacks and emotional floods stop or at least don't happen so often. The third exam may or may not happen on time, which is the 11th.

Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder is still, I guess, happening. The only time scale I can get out of my numerous therapists is weeks to years. I guess if the symptoms (flash-backs and emotional floods) are still distrupting my ability to lead a normal life in three weeks, we can talk about adding an SSRI anti-depressant which can take the edge off of the break-downs when they happen.

Right now, there are still a lot of things I can't do. I can't watch Law & Order anymore (anyone who knows me knows what a big deal that is). The books I was reading before this all happened I can't read anymore, since there are things in them that make me uncomfortable. I really can't study Criminal Procedure. Really really really I can't.

It's so strange to only be normal when I avoid so many things that used to be part of my life.

In case you were wondering, yes, there is a website where you can learn how best to support me through my post traumatic stress disorder.