Thursday, April 28, 2005

If the person who did something really bad to you, like REALLY bad, has a very common name, then you can probably say very mean things about them in a public forum and claim that you're saying them about someone else with that very common name. Probably. I'm guessing.

Friday, April 22, 2005

It's Appropriate

This morning I woke with my alarm at 8:45. Then I looked at my clock and it was 10. Just like that.

I'm on a new sedative to take the edge off of some of the panic symptoms of the post traumatic stress disorder. I was told to take it at bedtime, which I did, though in hindsight, I can see how they might not have intended the word "bedtime" to mean 3 AM, even though that was my bedtime last night. I was warned that it would cause me to be a bit drowsy, perhaps even a little "out of it", but that its effects would peak when I was asleep. Well, I'm guessing since I took it at 3 in the morning, it peaked at about the time I tried to wake up, so I just didn't wake up.

So, 10AM, I wake up. I'm supposed to have been at class 5 minutes earlier. I decided to scramble to make it to school in time for the 11:00 class, identical to mine, so I could turn in the memo that I stayed up so late writing. I got ready, printed out the memo, put the copies with the original drafts in the appropriately marked envelopes, but then I couldn't find my original grading sheet. I frantically searched, making myself later and later. Finally I gave up, grabbed my stuff, and headed for the bus, which I picked up at exactly 11, which meant that I arrived at school ten minutes late for the class that I wasn't even in. Which would have been ok, I mean, it's not the end of the world.

Except I had forgotten my memo. It was still at home on the lebensraum floor.

Even so, it's probably good that I'm on the medicine, because otherwise this morning would have given me a panic attack.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


I just cooked one of those "Meal From A Box" things that really is just that, and you know, I don't think I messed it up nearly as much as I feared I would. Maybe there really is such a thing as idiot-proof. Maybe I'm not completely disaster-prone.

Of course, I haven't eaten it yet. We shall see...

Oh, and that poem? Yes, I misspelled "weird". And actually, the poem is about the mealworms that I am raising for my hedgehogs in an attempt to save money and trips to the pet store. I have to feed them and water them and pick through them to take out the ones that are pupating daily. I also sift through them as a sort of macabre hobby. So, yes, the worms are real. I really do stare at them. They're grossly fascinating.


Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Loooooooozing My Mined:

I sit and watch the worms.
Worming worms wormingly worming warmly.
Potato pieces pugnant putrid putty with the worms
wiggling wormingly.
Wigling squirming worming worms
feeding feeling finding pugnant potatos
putrid and pale. Wiggly worms.
Wonderful wiggly worms
wierd and wiggly
creepy crittery crawling
feeling finding feeding worming warmly
Waiting with the worms.

Growing gobbling greedy gross
and growing and growing
and growing
and waiting
and wiggling
the wooooorms worms worms

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

It's 1AM:

I can't get myself to care about law school. I probably should. I should care that I'm not in the top quartile of my class. I should care about getting into a law journal or review or something. Or about signing up for on-campus interviews. Or about finals.

I just can't. I can't do it. I'll study for a while, I'll go to some of my classes, I'll even read most of what I'm supposed to read on a daily basis. That's fine. No problems there. I just can't seem to get myself into the fray of things, into the mind games and the competitive spirit and the striving to be my personal best and all.

I think it's because I'm happy. It's hard to make yourself try to be something more or something different if you've finally realized that it's not rank or knowledge or competition that makes you happy.

I'm happy because for the past seven days I have only had one or two headaches. I am happy because my family is health and my animals are healthy. I am happy because I'm going into a profession that will give me options and allow me to help the people I care about. I'm happy because I love my friends and I love having them around. I'm happy because I'm finally in a loving, respectful, balanced and truly wonderful relationship.

It's just really hard to stress myself out about school when I see so much going well in my life, when I want to live and enjoy each moment as much as I can!

Currently, I resolve to go to sleep. That's a good compromise between studying and enjoying life at this time of night.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Pretty New Template and Threats:

Look! It's clean and new and it's a template that I didn't make. :) Yay for other people's hard work! Yay for blogger who hands out other people's work to me!

I have discovered there are many downsides to having a blog. First, people know about it. Yes, this can be a good thing when you only have to post things once rather than write e-mail after e-mail after e-mail saying "here's what I've been up to." The downside is that once some people know about a blog, you can never really tell how many people know about a blog.

Big deal, right? If I wanted to keep a secret, I shouldn't post it on the "internets." Right, fine, ok. No secrets on the blog. No problem.

The problems arise when I want to use this space to make vague threats to people who probably don't know this space exists, don't know that I exist, or wouldn't care either way. What's the big deal with that, you ask? The big deal is that not everyone who does read this blog or who might know who I am would know either that I'm making the threat in jest, making it towards someone who doesn't know I exist, or making it towards someone who doesn't know this space exists but who really would deserve any threats I made and you'll have to trust me on that.

The last one is the most problematic. Without going into any great detail, using any names or making myself vulnerable, how do I make random readers understand that I'm not a hateful person just because I hate one person?

Well, ok, I don't hate anyone. It just so happens that one person who doesn't know this space exists (or maybe that I exist anymore) was the narcissist, caused the memories that flooded back with the PTSD, and whom I would love to tell that if our paths ever crossed again, his testicles would become intimate and permanent friends with his adam's apple. Unfortunately, I don't know how to say that without sounding vengeful, hateful or violent.

I guess I just can't. Oh well.

Enjoy the new page! :)
Health Law Externship

Ooo, guess what? I'm going to be doing a Health Law Externship. It's a three credit program I'll be involved with in the fall. I'm going to be working with Wisconsin Citizen Action, working with one of the attorneys there on policy issues. It appears they're working on a plan that will counter the current administration's plan. They seem pretty anti-Bush's plan, even though they're not a partisan group. It sounds pretty cool. :)

I'm doing my first Oral Argument tonight regarding the brief I had to write for my legal writing class. I haven't written down what I'm going to say exactly yet, but I'm not really worried. I feel like I've lived with the case so long that I know the issues and cases pretty well by now. I'm trying to write a condescending emotional argument to start or end my portion with, something about how the husband in this motion to modify child support has an overwhelming sense of entitlement to the earnings of his ex-wife, my client, despite that she is already paying half the mortgage on the house where he lives, all his and the children's health care, for the care of the children while they are in her physical care for half the time IN ADDITION TO $3,000 per month in child support.

Without being totally condescending and mean. :)

Ok, time to pay attention to property!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


Well, it's a real thing, I guess. Sure can sneak up on a person.

If you've wondered, "Hey, what's up with Kzo? She hasn't returned my calls," or "Hm, I wonder if she's mad at me," or "Do you think she's losing her mind?" None of them are true. It's just a little PTSD shaking things up and keeping things... real?

Have a great day! :D


Monday, April 11, 2005

Sometimes just making it day by day is the most I can manage.

Mostly, it's still enough.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

The Narcissist

Your parents and teachers warn you about a lot of different people when you're a kid. Don't talk to strangers. Never let anyone hit you. Don't put up with someone who puts you down. We all know these things and watch out for them. What we don't know is that there are more monsters lurking just below our radar.

For example, the narcissist.

No one ever warned me about the narcissist. Sure, we heard the story about the man who was so vain that he leaned over in the grass to look at himself and became some sort of Greek plant, but that was just a myth, right? Well, it turns out that there is a personality disorder named after him, too.

The scary part about the narcissist is that though they are dangerous, they're charming person you know. Everyone likes them. They're friendly. They're funny. They're usually pretty smart, and perhaps even popular.

But that's the thing about the narcissist. It's all about appearance, and it's all about them.

They will take without ever thinking twice. They will carefully construct their image at the expense of those closest to them. They will manipulate and pressure and use these same people to get what they want without any remorse. If something makes them feel bad, they'll stop, but if something makes you feel bad, who cares.

Narcissists don't have to be vain. They can simply be self-righteous. They can know that by being humble on the outside that makes them better than everyone else. They have a prevailing sense of entitlement, and when they don't get what they know they deserve, they literally believe that the universe is out to get them, that it's someone else's fault.

Have you ever seen the Alien movie where the Alien is slowly sucked, inside out, into space? That's the feeling you will get after dating your Narcissist. Nothing is ever good enough. You'll do everything you possibly can to make them happy, and they will happily take whatever you give, but nothing will be enough to make them give anything in return. (unless it somehow gets them what they want, or helps their appearance, of course). They will always blame any relationship problems on you, because that is what they do. They fundamentally lack empathy and desire admiration, so you can see how any relationship with them would be a very damaging one-way street.

So look out. There are more out there than you'd think.

Tell your friends.

And never, ever think it's your fault.

(p.s. i took some liberties with the definition. if you want precision, look here)

Saturday, April 09, 2005


I've decided that this will be my summer of sun. I will be spending the majority of my summer working on a big project, namely starting a Wisconsin version of Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts. It's going to require a lot of research, organization, and orchestration or resources, much of which needn't be done in any one location. Thus, I should be able to work wherever I can access the information I will need, which will primarily be online, on my computer or in books.

Thus, my "office" will be one of three places: On my deck in the sun, at the Union terrace in the sun, or outside at a coffee shop in the sun.

Unless it rains. Then I will be inside.

By the end of the summer I will post a picture of my tan, tan skin. I'm already months ahead of my arian friends. Silly germans.