Here is a recent picture taken on Saturday May 7th after a semi-formal UWMBDA dance. I hope you enjoy it!
Me and My Handsome Boyfriend Mike
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Little Things:
Have you ever noticed how important the little things are? Things like bringing in the mail, taking out the trash, showering, conversing with friends, sleeping, brushing your teeth, answering your phone, all the thoughtless things that you need to do in order to do the big things like have a job, go to school, function in society and stay sane. Day in and day out, again and again, the little things.
I guess it's not surprising that we don't give them the credit they deserve. After all, everybody does them. It's just, well, expected. That's just what you do.
Anyone who has gone through a crisis knows that the little things are sometimes the things we cling to, the activities we work hardest at to keep some order in our lives as our world falls apart. In times like that, a shower goes from being just a part of the little things we do each morning to the accomplishment of the day. You make a goal of answering your phone every time it rings and allow yourself to feel good when you manage to do just that and nothing more.
Today I went through my mail from the last month. I hadn't realized it had been that long. I also paid three bills, two of which will probably be a tad late, but I'm pretty proud of myself regardless. I would still like to clean my room this week. One small step at a time, one small thing after another.
Sometimes even the small things can hurt.
Have you ever noticed how important the little things are? Things like bringing in the mail, taking out the trash, showering, conversing with friends, sleeping, brushing your teeth, answering your phone, all the thoughtless things that you need to do in order to do the big things like have a job, go to school, function in society and stay sane. Day in and day out, again and again, the little things.
I guess it's not surprising that we don't give them the credit they deserve. After all, everybody does them. It's just, well, expected. That's just what you do.
Anyone who has gone through a crisis knows that the little things are sometimes the things we cling to, the activities we work hardest at to keep some order in our lives as our world falls apart. In times like that, a shower goes from being just a part of the little things we do each morning to the accomplishment of the day. You make a goal of answering your phone every time it rings and allow yourself to feel good when you manage to do just that and nothing more.
Today I went through my mail from the last month. I hadn't realized it had been that long. I also paid three bills, two of which will probably be a tad late, but I'm pretty proud of myself regardless. I would still like to clean my room this week. One small step at a time, one small thing after another.
Sometimes even the small things can hurt.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Anger Week:
I think last week was my angry week. I was angry about everything, and pretty angry at a lot of the people around me, even some of the people that I usually really love. Everything that has been happening to me makes world issues seem more personal somehow. They still seem that way now, but last week they just made me very, very angry.
I'm glad I can be angry, though. I am glad I can feel anger at what happened to me, what happened to my friends, and how the society we live in set us up for that. That should make me angry. I'm glad I don't feel like apologizing for being angry about the things I've written about here. There are just some things worth being angry about.
I am glad that I'm not angry all the time, though. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I'm just tired. And really, if you think about it, women have been f*cked since Judeo-Christianity began, since the time of the Romans or the Greeks. When we had to cover our breasts because the men couldn't help themselves if they saw our mammary glands, that was a bad moment. When the myth began that women caused the ejection of humanity from paradise, that was a bad moment, too. When men's sexuality was prized and flaunted in architecture and government and women's sexuality was demonized and suppressed and repressed, also a bad thing. These things are way deeper than just the good 'ole Religious Right.
In some ways, I feel like what happened to me has been building up for millennia.
But hey, I don't have migraines! Did I mention I don't have migraines? You know, I bet one of the biggest reasons that migraines are so poorly treated is because women have them. I bet no one took them seriously, because they were just headaches and women should just get over them. But man, you have a limp dick? LET'S FIND A FIX FOR THAT!!!
I mean, I'm not making this up. This is how the world is. Haven't you noticed it yet?
Someone else needs to notice it already. Women have been shat upon for centuries and no one has apologized. I was sexually assaulted and verbally abused. My friends have been sexually assaulted. No one is taking that as seriously as erectile disfunction or the closeness of a man's shave, or the newest way to please your lover a la "Cosmo." Don't you see yet? How many more of us is it going to take?
I think last week was my angry week. I was angry about everything, and pretty angry at a lot of the people around me, even some of the people that I usually really love. Everything that has been happening to me makes world issues seem more personal somehow. They still seem that way now, but last week they just made me very, very angry.
I'm glad I can be angry, though. I am glad I can feel anger at what happened to me, what happened to my friends, and how the society we live in set us up for that. That should make me angry. I'm glad I don't feel like apologizing for being angry about the things I've written about here. There are just some things worth being angry about.
I am glad that I'm not angry all the time, though. It takes a lot of energy, and sometimes I'm just tired. And really, if you think about it, women have been f*cked since Judeo-Christianity began, since the time of the Romans or the Greeks. When we had to cover our breasts because the men couldn't help themselves if they saw our mammary glands, that was a bad moment. When the myth began that women caused the ejection of humanity from paradise, that was a bad moment, too. When men's sexuality was prized and flaunted in architecture and government and women's sexuality was demonized and suppressed and repressed, also a bad thing. These things are way deeper than just the good 'ole Religious Right.
In some ways, I feel like what happened to me has been building up for millennia.
But hey, I don't have migraines! Did I mention I don't have migraines? You know, I bet one of the biggest reasons that migraines are so poorly treated is because women have them. I bet no one took them seriously, because they were just headaches and women should just get over them. But man, you have a limp dick? LET'S FIND A FIX FOR THAT!!!
I mean, I'm not making this up. This is how the world is. Haven't you noticed it yet?
Someone else needs to notice it already. Women have been shat upon for centuries and no one has apologized. I was sexually assaulted and verbally abused. My friends have been sexually assaulted. No one is taking that as seriously as erectile disfunction or the closeness of a man's shave, or the newest way to please your lover a la "Cosmo." Don't you see yet? How many more of us is it going to take?
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Drug Free:
There are so many things in this world that frustrate me and make me upset. I want you to know that I don't go out and find these issues. I don't read the newspaper every day looking for something else to make me angry. These are issues that come to me, that are brought to me by some serendipity. Really, they are.
I believe depression is two things: chemicals/genetics that some people are born with or have a tendency for; and the result of keeping one's self in an unhappy, un-fulfilling, unhealth, etc. situation. It can be both, it can be either. Doctors used to think that only the second one could lead to the first, until they learned that sometimes very young children were depressed, and they couldn't explain that.
I had childhood depression and wasn't properly treated, as well as childhood migraines/chronic headaches. These things are from my family, on both sides. There's really not much I could have done to avoid it. When a 14-year-old has headaches every day for a year, that requires medication. That's just the way it is.
You see, it is not always a matter of thinking one's self well. There are many people who "don't believe" in medication. but there are people, like me, who do not have that luxury, because we cannot live without the medication that others can choose to live without. I find it frustrating when people equate being able to live without taking medication to being strong and moral somehow. Morality has not caused my migraines. Morality has not caused my asthma. Morality has not caused my allergies. Yes, there is a segment of the population that searches for the quick fix. There is also a segment of the population that has been on medication since before the commercials and popular drugs, that will always be on the medication.
And it frustrates me. It makes me feel even more aware that my health issues make me different and set me outside the norm, makes me question if, well, maybe if I tried harder I could get rid of my asthma, or my allergies. And so I blog.
My blog is my journal, so I can let off steam and still feel like maybe, by some freak chance, someone will read it and learn something that will save one person from having to go through one stupid situation that would have caused them one minute of unnecessary pain. Maybe one person won't say "I don't believe in taking pills" in front of the woman who takes 12 at night and 5 in the morning just to live without chronic, inherited pain. Maybe one person won't use the word "slut" to describe what someone was wearing (PLEASE don't do that, it's so destructive on so many levels). Maybe one person will say, wow, I'm worth more than this, I deserve to be treated better, and will walk away before another heart-breaking word is spoken. Just maybe. Or maybe not. But at least it's out there.
There are so many things in this world that frustrate me and make me upset. I want you to know that I don't go out and find these issues. I don't read the newspaper every day looking for something else to make me angry. These are issues that come to me, that are brought to me by some serendipity. Really, they are.
I believe depression is two things: chemicals/genetics that some people are born with or have a tendency for; and the result of keeping one's self in an unhappy, un-fulfilling, unhealth, etc. situation. It can be both, it can be either. Doctors used to think that only the second one could lead to the first, until they learned that sometimes very young children were depressed, and they couldn't explain that.
I had childhood depression and wasn't properly treated, as well as childhood migraines/chronic headaches. These things are from my family, on both sides. There's really not much I could have done to avoid it. When a 14-year-old has headaches every day for a year, that requires medication. That's just the way it is.
You see, it is not always a matter of thinking one's self well. There are many people who "don't believe" in medication. but there are people, like me, who do not have that luxury, because we cannot live without the medication that others can choose to live without. I find it frustrating when people equate being able to live without taking medication to being strong and moral somehow. Morality has not caused my migraines. Morality has not caused my asthma. Morality has not caused my allergies. Yes, there is a segment of the population that searches for the quick fix. There is also a segment of the population that has been on medication since before the commercials and popular drugs, that will always be on the medication.
And it frustrates me. It makes me feel even more aware that my health issues make me different and set me outside the norm, makes me question if, well, maybe if I tried harder I could get rid of my asthma, or my allergies. And so I blog.
My blog is my journal, so I can let off steam and still feel like maybe, by some freak chance, someone will read it and learn something that will save one person from having to go through one stupid situation that would have caused them one minute of unnecessary pain. Maybe one person won't say "I don't believe in taking pills" in front of the woman who takes 12 at night and 5 in the morning just to live without chronic, inherited pain. Maybe one person won't use the word "slut" to describe what someone was wearing (PLEASE don't do that, it's so destructive on so many levels). Maybe one person will say, wow, I'm worth more than this, I deserve to be treated better, and will walk away before another heart-breaking word is spoken. Just maybe. Or maybe not. But at least it's out there.
Tired:
Last night I figured out that I have a serious gender-steriotype/feminist theory discussion/battle/debate about every three days. Mostly with men, or with females about previous interactions with men.
It's really tiring sometimes. It's hard to keep explaining why the word "slut" is so loaded and hurtful. It's hard to explain why feminists aren't man-haters. It's hart to explain why we have to think about the images we are confronted with every day on the tv and the language we use when, yes, there are bigger issues out there. It's really hard to explain why this isn't just a pet issue of mine, not just another reason to get upset at people.
Briefly, it is personal. Emotional abuse from a man in a relationship uses the steriotypes and gender roles and images in society to control and manipulate his victim. Sexual assault happens because women are too afraid to get help because they don't want to be called sluts. They are violated because they are afraid of what people will say if they ask for help.
And this isn't just women in general. This is me. These are my friends. I can name names. We learn we're supposed to try to be good enough, pretty enough, learn the new ways to please our man from Cosmo each month; not to stand up for ourselves, not protect ourselves, not know when someone has crossed the line, not know when we're being coerced or brainwashed.
So, no, they're not just words. No, it's not just man-hating.
It's just trying to keep one more person from hurting. Don't you understand?
Last night I figured out that I have a serious gender-steriotype/feminist theory discussion/battle/debate about every three days. Mostly with men, or with females about previous interactions with men.
It's really tiring sometimes. It's hard to keep explaining why the word "slut" is so loaded and hurtful. It's hard to explain why feminists aren't man-haters. It's hart to explain why we have to think about the images we are confronted with every day on the tv and the language we use when, yes, there are bigger issues out there. It's really hard to explain why this isn't just a pet issue of mine, not just another reason to get upset at people.
Briefly, it is personal. Emotional abuse from a man in a relationship uses the steriotypes and gender roles and images in society to control and manipulate his victim. Sexual assault happens because women are too afraid to get help because they don't want to be called sluts. They are violated because they are afraid of what people will say if they ask for help.
And this isn't just women in general. This is me. These are my friends. I can name names. We learn we're supposed to try to be good enough, pretty enough, learn the new ways to please our man from Cosmo each month; not to stand up for ourselves, not protect ourselves, not know when someone has crossed the line, not know when we're being coerced or brainwashed.
So, no, they're not just words. No, it's not just man-hating.
It's just trying to keep one more person from hurting. Don't you understand?
Monday, May 02, 2005
Brief Update:
I finished my brief. Legal Writing and Research is done.
Two out of three exams will officially be rescheduled as of tomorrow. I need flat-out more time to prepare for property, and the subject matter covered for criminal procedure means that I need to wait until the flashbacks and emotional floods stop or at least don't happen so often. The third exam may or may not happen on time, which is the 11th.
Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder is still, I guess, happening. The only time scale I can get out of my numerous therapists is weeks to years. I guess if the symptoms (flash-backs and emotional floods) are still distrupting my ability to lead a normal life in three weeks, we can talk about adding an SSRI anti-depressant which can take the edge off of the break-downs when they happen.
Right now, there are still a lot of things I can't do. I can't watch Law & Order anymore (anyone who knows me knows what a big deal that is). The books I was reading before this all happened I can't read anymore, since there are things in them that make me uncomfortable. I really can't study Criminal Procedure. Really really really I can't.
It's so strange to only be normal when I avoid so many things that used to be part of my life.
In case you were wondering, yes, there is a website where you can learn how best to support me through my post traumatic stress disorder.
I finished my brief. Legal Writing and Research is done.
Two out of three exams will officially be rescheduled as of tomorrow. I need flat-out more time to prepare for property, and the subject matter covered for criminal procedure means that I need to wait until the flashbacks and emotional floods stop or at least don't happen so often. The third exam may or may not happen on time, which is the 11th.
Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder is still, I guess, happening. The only time scale I can get out of my numerous therapists is weeks to years. I guess if the symptoms (flash-backs and emotional floods) are still distrupting my ability to lead a normal life in three weeks, we can talk about adding an SSRI anti-depressant which can take the edge off of the break-downs when they happen.
Right now, there are still a lot of things I can't do. I can't watch Law & Order anymore (anyone who knows me knows what a big deal that is). The books I was reading before this all happened I can't read anymore, since there are things in them that make me uncomfortable. I really can't study Criminal Procedure. Really really really I can't.
It's so strange to only be normal when I avoid so many things that used to be part of my life.
In case you were wondering, yes, there is a website where you can learn how best to support me through my post traumatic stress disorder.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)